


Of the Perils of Easter

by Ytteb



Category: NCIS
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-05-29 05:47:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6361858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ytteb/pseuds/Ytteb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Director has a special Easter related assignment for the MCRT. What could possibly go wrong? Oh yes, I forgot, Tony is on the MCRT. What could possibly go right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of the Perils of Easter

Special Agent Gibbs took a sip of his coffee and sighed appreciatively. This might not be the usual type of assignment for the MCRT but (and he would deny it if asked by Director Vance) he was enjoying himself. It was good to be out in the fresh air rather than being stuck inside doing paper work. He gazed round and saw that McGee was diligently looking at trees and bushes and that Palmer was looking for holes in the ground. The Gibbs gut lurched slightly as he realised he couldn't see DiNozzo anywhere but he stifled the twinge: it was a lovely peaceful pleasant Spring day, what could possibly go wrong?

"You're not listening, Jethro," came Ducky's slightly plaintive voice, "although I do understand that you may be distracted by the beauty of this Spring morning. It reminds me of my youth, you know. I had a pal who lived in England and I used to visit him in Spring. He lived near to a wood where the most wonderful bluebells grew. Have you ever seen a bluebell wood, Jethro? It is the most entrancing sight. I was just a callow youth in those days but gazing on those misty blue masses spoke to me somehow. I suppose it is something of the feeling that people get looking at the cherry blossom in Washington. I sometimes feel a bit homesick for bluebell woods. Did you know that the poet Alfred Housman wrote a poem about cherry blossom? I wonder if he felt the same about bluebell woods? What do you think, Jethro?"

Gibbs' attention had wandered during Ducky's monologue as he had started to think about Spring in Stillwater when he was a boy,

"What?" he asked, "you asking  _me_  about  _poetry,_  Duck?"

"Well," said Ducky, "you do sometimes reveal unexpected knowledge. But perhaps Timothy would know the answer. Or Mr Palmer."

"You'd only ask Palmer because you want to see him get flustered," pointed out Gibbs knowingly.

Ducky had the grace almost to blush and opened his mouth to begin a denial when they heard an odd noise,

Thud! Followed by a loud gasp.

"What was that?" asked Ducky.

"Don't know," said Gibbs briskly, "stay here! McGee! With me."

Leaving Ducky behind, Gibbs, closely followed by McGee, ran towards a wooded area.

"What's up, Boss?" asked McGee as he caught up with Gibbs who had slowed down as he approached the area from where the noise had come.

"Don't know," said Gibbs as he drew his weapon, "strange noise from inside these bushes."

He pushed his way through and came to an open area of grass where he saw Tony sprawled on the ground. Gibbs and McGee moved forward cautiously but could not see anyone nearby. As they drew near, Tony began to stir.

"Ow," he said, as he put his hand to his head and tried to sit up.

"DiNozzo! What happened?" asked Gibbs, getting to Tony first.

"The Easter Bunny!" groaned Tony.

"What?" exclaimed McGee as he got to Tony's side as well.

"Easter Bunny kicked me," said Tony sourly.

"McGee, get Ducky," snapped Gibbs, "quick! Now!"

Tim looked at Gibbs, surprised by the note of almost-panic in the Boss's voice.

"There's something wrong, Tim," said Gibbs in a softer voice, "he's hallucinating. May have some kind of brain injury."

Tim paled and scuttled off to find Ducky. Gibbs stayed in his place beside Tony and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, "Don't worry, Tony," he said gently, "you'll be OK. Just sit quietly until Ducky gets here."

"Damn Easter Bunny," muttered Tony, "sure had a kick on it."

Gibbs sighed as his mind went back to earlier that morning.

Flashback

The MCRT had not had a case for some days so were catching up with paperwork and Tony was getting round to the requisitions.

"Right," he muttered to himself, "if I order twenty boxes of staples and three of rubber bands, that should be enough."

"Twenty boxes of staples?" asked McGee, "how much stapling do you think we're going to do? And why," he added suspiciously, "do you want so many rubber bands? What are you planning?"

"Relax, McFidget," said Tony, "I don't have anything 'planned' …"

"There's a surprise," said McGee under his breath.

"I heard that, McDisparaging," said Tony loftily, "I'll have you know that I plan very well. I'm the best planner since … well, I'm not sure. But if there's someone who's famous for planning, then he would stand in awe of my planning abilities. Now, where was I?"

"Ordering an obscene amount of office supplies," said McGee.

"That's right," said Tony, "now, how many boxes of paper clips do we need?" He sighed as he looked across to where Ziva had once sat, "not so many as we used to. Ten boxes should be enough."

"Tony," said Tim in exasperation, "why don't you hand the requisitions over to me? I could write a program on my computer which would monitor how much stationery we use and calculate how much we need to order. It would be much simpler."

" _Simpler_?" said Tony in a surprised voice, "you want to make it simpler?"

"Sure," said Tim in an equally surprised voice, "that's a good thing, isn't it?"

"But where would the fun be in having a computer work it all out?"

" _Fun_?"

"Of course," said Tony as if it was obvious, "the possibilities are endless."

Against his better judgement, and experience, Tim was intrigued and went to stand by Tony's desk, "Go on," he said, "enlighten me."

Tony beamed at him, "well, Probiewan. I order an extra box of rubber bands and do a swap with Human Resources for a box of blue Sharpies."

"But we don't use blue Sharpies," pointed out Tim.

"I  _know_ ," said Tony triumphantly, "so I swap the box of blue Sharpies for a box of evidence handling gloves from the Evidence garage. And we need  _them_!"

"But why don't we just order the gloves direct?" asked Tim.

Tony looked baffled, "but then we'd miss the fun of bartering and beating the others down. When I started here, the Evidence garage demanded two boxes of blue Sharpies for a box of gloves! Hah! What do you think of that?"

"That the Evidence garage just give you want to make you go away," said Tim honestly.

Tony looked stricken for a moment but soon recovered, "Nah, they like it too. It builds inter department co-operation and … well, stuff like that. It's a good thing, Tim."

"If you say so," said Tim going back to his desk, hiding a smile at Tony's reasoning and resolving not to delve any further into the labyrinthine ways of Tony's mind.

"Got a job for us," announced Gibbs arriving at his desk.

"Missing petty officer in Rock Creek Park?" asked Tony.

"Nope."

"Sailor escaped from Leavenworth?" asked McGee.

"Nope."

"'Cos I'm doing the requisitions," said Tony virtuously.

"Better double the rubber band order," said Gibbs.

"Boss?"

"We need more boxes of gloves," said Gibbs, "and I heard that the guys in Evidence are going to hold out for more."

"On it, Boss," said Tony.

Tim shook his head at the weirdness of his Boss and Senior Field Agent. "So, what's the job, Boss?" he asked.

Gibbs' face twisted momentarily but he said smoothly, "The Director wants us to scope out the area where the Easter Egg hunt's going to be held. Find good hiding places."

McGee was on his feet immediately but Tony stayed where he was.

"Wasn't a suggestion," said Gibbs.

"But, Boss, I should really finish these orders," Tony gestured at the heap of paper on his desk.

"Come on, Tony," said Tim encouragingly, "it's a beautiful day out there. Your Machiavellian machinations with stationery can wait."

Tony's lips seemed to move as he replayed this in his head, "Nice one, McLiterate," he said, "but I think I'll stay here. If you don't mind, Boss," he added hopefully.

"I do mind," he said, "what's going on?"

"Let me guess," said McGee, "some childhood trauma associated with the Easter Bunny?"

Tony shifted uneasily, "No …" he said unconvincingly. He looked up and encountered a Gibbs glare, "No. No  _Easter Bunny_  trauma. And I'd like to keep it that way."

"So," said McGee thoughtfully and using his experience of years of working with Tony, "but you have other holiday related traumas?"

"Ok, McPerspicacious, you're right," said Tony reluctantly. "You remember I told you about the time the giant pumpkin rolled over me at Halloween?"

Tim and Gibbs nodded. That had sounded horrific and had, no doubt, begun Tony's dislike of that particular holiday.

"And then there was the time that the Christmas elves ganged up on me in first grade."

Gibbs' lips twitched but he managed to keep a straight face. A hiccup from McGee suggested he had been less successful.

"And the clowns at Mardi Gras," continued Tony morosely, "they were enough to scare anyone. Well, obviously not you, Boss, but most people. Including McScaredyPants there."

"Ok," said Tim, "I'm with you about the clowns," and he shuddered at some horrible memory, "but really, the Easter Bunny?"

"Oh, Easter Bunny can be real scary," said Palmer arriving with Ducky.

Tony seemed to pale as he shrank back in his seat.

"Do enlighten us, Mr Palmer," said Ducky.

"Well," said Palmer, delighted to be given a rare opportunity to instruct the rest of the team, "When I was at College the kick boxing team dressed up as Easter Bunnies …"

"And why did they do that?" asked Ducky.

"It was a forfeit," said Palmer, "it was either that or they had to go naked. They decided to be Easter Bunnies instead."

"A wise move," said Ducky sagaciously.

"And what happened?" asked Tony with an air of dread.

"They were really pissed," said Jimmy, "and I made the mistake of pulling the tail of one of them. You know that cute little pom-pom thing on their …"

"Yes, Mr Palmer," said Ducky hastily, "we know where it is. Although I think it would be more accurate to call it …"

"What happened?" demanded Gibbs wanting to move things along.

"The Easter Bunny kicked me in the … well, you know."

"He kicked you near the … pom-pom area?" asked Tony sympathetically.

"She," said Jimmy, "it was the women's kick boxing team."

"DiNozzo!" said Gibbs, "grab your gear. We're going."

"On your six, Boss," said Tony reluctantly, "or rather, on your pom-pom area. And what sort of gear do I need anyway?" But there was no-one to answer him, the others were already standing by the elevator.

End flashback

Now Gibbs cursed Palmer for putting a kick boxing Easter Bunny into DiNozzo's fertile imagination.

"No, stay down," he ordered Tony who was showing signs of trying to get up, "wait till Ducky's had a look."

"But, Boss, I'm fine," said Tony.

"You're not fine," said Gibbs wishing he could deliver a head slap.

"Anthony," said Ducky in a tone of voice which could not quite be described as  _happy_  but which signified that he was glad his medical skills were being called on, "what have you done now?"

" _I_ haven't done anything," said Tony crossly, "I was attacked."

"Dear me," said Ducky, "and did you see your assailant?"

"It was the Easter Bunny," said Gibbs drily.

"I see," said Ducky, "Anthony, look into my eyes. Can you follow my finger, please? Now where does it hurt? Where did the … er … Easter Bunny hit you?"

Tony successfully followed Ducky's moving finger, "my head hurts," he said, "he kicked me in the head."

"Not the pom-pom area?" asked McGee, suppressing a grin.

Tony just glared at him and chose not to reply.

"Whoever did this," observed Ducky, "he had quite a kick."

"Unless it was a she," observed Palmer, "Easter Bunnies can be of either gender."

"You're not helping here, gentlemen," said Ducky crossly, "Jethro, isn't there something they could be more usefully employed doing?"

"You heard him," said Gibbs, "look around, see if you can find any clues."

"Sure, Boss." Yes, Gibbs," came the replies. As they moved off, Tony chose not to hear them discussing what giant rabbit prints would look like.

"All right," said Ducky after he finished his examination, "let's get you up, Anthony and back to the squad room. I don't think there's any major damage although you will have a headache and you probably have a mild concussion. But you're used to those, I fear."

"He doesn't need to go to hospital?" asked Gibbs, "you know, after saying, well … you know. The Easter Bunny?"

"Anthony," said Ducky in a slow and clear voice, "can you tell me what happened? In your own words."

"Who else's do you think he's going to use, Duck?" asked Gibbs.

"Quite right, Jethro," said Ducky humbly, "I have been watching too many detective programs. And really I don't know why I should when my working life is full of crimes and misdeeds."

"Ducky?" said Tony plaintively, "do you want me to tell you what happened?"

"Assuredly, my boy," said Ducky, "carry on. In your own … time."

"I was looking for hiding places," said Tony, "and the Easter Bunny came up. He hit me on the arm with this big carrot and then kicked me in the head."

"Oh dear," sighed Ducky, "I had hoped that with the passage of time his recollection might have cleared. And what did this  _creature_  look like, Anthony?"

"About six four. Blue eyes. White plush with pink ears."

"Anything else, DiNozzo?" asked Gibbs wearily.

"He had a tartan vest with silver buttons."

"Indeed? What tartan?" asked Ducky. Tony looked at him blankly, "of course, that doesn't matter. But it is interesting that you have given him a  _tartan_ vest."

"It was blue with black and red stripes," supplied Tony.

"I shall look it up when I got home," said Ducky in what he obviously thought was a comforting voice.

"Come on, DiNozzo," said Gibbs briskly, "let's get you sorted out.

NCISNCIS

Gibbs insisted on taking Tony to the hospital and bullied the staff there into giving him a brain scan. The scan found nothing wrong, the doctors diagnosed a mild concussion and prescribed a couple of days rest. A sweep of the Navy Yard failed to find Tony's attacker and he added the Easter Bunny to his list of holiday hates.

The day after Tony's release from desk duty the team were called out to a disturbance involving two sailors in Rock Creek Park.

When they arrived Gibbs took McGee in the direction the sailors had last been seen,

"DiNozzo, stay here, wait for Ducky and Palmer. We'll let you know if medical help is needed."

"Yes, Boss," said Tony discontentedly. Gibbs was still looking a bit askance at him and obviously didn't want to risk him in the field too much yet. He looked up at the sound of the ME van arriving and smiled at the thought that Ducky and the Autopsy Gremlin were getting better at getting to crime scenes, although, given the number of crimes which happened in Rock Creek, he supposed that they shouldn't really lose their way. He waved cheerily as they pulled up.

"Anthony," said Ducky, "how are you feeling? I wanted to tell you about that tartan … what?"

Ducky broke off in surprise as Tony yelped and suddenly ran away.

NCISNCIS

"Gibbs," said Gibbs as he answered his cell.

"Jethro, thank God," said Ducky.

"What is it, Duck?"

"It's Anthony."

A chill hand seemed to squeeze Gibbs' heart, "what's happened?"

"He has just run off. At high speed I may add. Mr Palmer is endeavouring to give chase but I fear he has little chance of catching up. Anthony is running with admirable celerity but I really would not recommend that he be taking such vigorous exercise so soon after a traumatic head injury."

"What happened? Why did he run off?" asked Gibbs.

"I don't know, Jethro. He waved as Mr Palmer and I drew up and he seemed to be in a jovial mood. I was about to tell him something I had discovered and he took to his heels."

"What were you going to tell him?" demanded Gibbs.

"What I had discovered about the tartan vest he said he had seen on his assailant."

"What?"

"I think it may be the MacCallum of Berwick tartan."

"What?"

"I fear that my mentioning tartan may have revived some unhappy memory concerning his attack leading him to run away. You know, Jethro, that was not my intention. It seems that there may, after all, have been some brain injury which we did not diagnose correctly. I feel responsible, Jethro. I did not feel that a hospital visit was required but you, quite rightly, insisted that one was needed …"

"Dr Mallard!" said Gibbs firmly, "where has Tony gone?"

"Quite right, Jethro, you need to know the direction. He ran off due west from the position where you parked the van."

"On my way," said Gibbs, "McGee! We'll look for the two idiots later. Come on, we've got our own lunatic to look for."

"Boss?" asked McGee.

"DiNozzo's run off," said Gibbs succinctly.

"Boss?" repeated McGee.

Gibbs didn't bothering replying but just ran back towards where they had left the van. McGee shrugged philosophically and followed him.

"That way!" said Ducky pointing down the road when Gibbs and McGee run up. McGee took a second to take a breath and then trotted after Gibbs. They soon caught up with Palmer who, as he hastened to tell them, was built for endurance rather than speed. As they paused for a moment they heard shouts coming from the trees ahead. Gibbs and McGee drew their weapons and made towards the noise.

"Stop that", they heard Tony say. They slowed down so they could arrive silently. They pushed through some bushes and stopped in surprise. Tony was circling a tall, well-built man who kept trying to kick him.

"No, you don't," said Tony, "you don't catch me twice," as he kept jumping out of reach of the flailing legs.

Gibbs shouted, "Federal Agent!" He wasn't sure whether he could say, "lay down your weapon."

The shout was, however, enough to distract the tall man and Tony took the opportunity to seize a leg and throw him to the ground. In an instant he had him on his stomach with hands cuffed behind him.

"Hey, Boss, McBreathless," he said, "meet the Easter Bunny."

Tim groaned and wondered how they would explain this.

"DiNozzo?" asked Gibbs.

For answer, Tony forced his prisoner on to his feet. Gibbs noticed that he topped Tony by a couple of inches and that he had bright blue eyes.

"Saw him lurking around, Boss," he said, "recognised his height and build and those eyes."

Gibbs spotted a backpack lying on the ground, he jerked his head towards it indicating that McGee should search it.

"Uh, Boss," said Tim, "look," and he pulled out a white plush Easter Bunny costume complete with pink ears and a blue tartan vest with silver buttons.

"You're under arrest for assaulting a federal agent, Easter Bunny," said Tony menacingly, "and no more kicking or I'll turn you into a lucky rabbit's foot and wear you on my key fob!"

The Easter Bunny's head sagged as he admitted defeat and allowed himself to be marched off.

Epilogue

"Henry Holland," said McGee, as he pulled up a picture on the plasma, "released from prison five days ago. Seems he was scouting various places where Easter Egg hunts were going to take place with the idea of some opportunistic robberies. Wore the costume to blend in."

"Blend in?" said Tony incredulously.

"Thought that if he was spotted, he'd say he was taking part in the egg hunt."

"Humph," said Tony.

"He was kick boxing champion in his sophomore year," continued Tim, "wanted to turn pro but he wasn't good enough."

"Seemed pretty good to me," observed Tony, feeling the side of his head.

"Park police have arrested our sailors," announced Gibbs as he put the phone down.

"All of them?" asked Tony, "isn't that a bit over the top?"

"The sailors we went to Rock Creek Park to arrest," said Gibbs sternly but with a hint of a smile.

"I knew that," said Tony defensively.

"Gentlemen," said Vance as he came down the stairs from his office, "I think you have a job to finish."

"The sailors are on their way in, Leon," said Gibbs.

"Not that," said the Director, "Easter's only 3 days away. Still got to get ready for the Easter Egg hunt."

"Not sure that's a good idea, Leon," said Gibbs nodding slightly towards Tony who was nursing his head again.

"Indeed," said Ducky also arriving, "I'm not sure that I would recommend Anthony returning to the scene of his dramatic encounter with the Easter Bunny."

Tony looked up at the sound of his name, "What?"

"Director wants us to go back and finish getting ready for the egg hunt," explained Gibbs.

"But we know it might be too traumatic for you," said McGee kindly, "After your run in with the … well, you know, holiday beast."

"You kidding?" said Tony jumping to his feet eagerly, "I've looked my foe in the eye and taken him down. I've defeated the Easter Bunny and will crush all holiday animals that come near me! I'll show them!"

"OK," said Gibbs resignedly, "grab your gear!"

"On your pom-pom area, Boss," said Tony.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Easter, everyone. And may all your Easter Bunnies be benign!


End file.
